But I used to be very close to god, and now I'm not, but the defect is mine.
What happened is, I went through a series of traumatic experiences, and now I'm feeling scarred and cold.
An everyday person might conclude that I became angry with god for allowing me to experience hardships, but this isn't the case. I know why bad things happen, and they have nothing to do with the creator. I haven't blamed him.
I did go through a short period where I was angry, but the nature of that was like a daughter trying to make her father feel bad. It was like a daughter taking out very real emotions on someone who might care. But that's all it was.
I do a whole lot of things that would be considered 'good' by a lot of people. I don't talk about these things that I do a lot, the charity seems natural to me, just based on knowledge and beliefs that I have. I am perfectly aware that these 'good' things do not make me a good person in god's eyes or my own. The truth is that I'm not that great of a person. After several traumatic events, and years have passed! ... I have drawn away from the creator. I can't seem to change my course. I don't hate him, or blame him, like I said, the defect is my own. I feel numb to god. I go through the motions. If someone were to have the wrong impression of him, or ask me a question about god or the bible, I would snap out of my dead state momentarily for the sake of the other person. I say 'would', but this is not a hypothetical situation, it happens.
Other people seem to be the only way I can demonstrate any love for god. I'm in the Philippines because of a spiritual relationship that I developed with a person. I do good work here. Unfortunately my secular employment takes me away from it, but the other day in class the students asked me, 'what's your religion, what do you know, why do you believe it' ...they were like more, more more...!
I was just numb and in a daze. Why do I deserve to get to talk about this? Does god still trust me even though I've marginalized him so much? I don't get it.
I've read the bible through so many times, I actually don't know the count. It's a continual thing. I know quite a bit about it, and my students were asking me questions that I know the answers to and I just sat there in a daze. I explained things to them like I was giving them directions to the airport, but without enthusiasm. I told them basically, 'I'm sorry, but did you ever know too much about a subject?'
I wish I was the way I used to be, but I feel like I've been hit by a truck, and can't be athletic anymore. But it's not god's fault. I let the devil win.
Also my son keeps me fresh, he asks good questions, and he's currently doing the schedule to read the bible in a year. I see him, and I think well, I'm not the worst person. He doesn't approve of me 100% either, though. He thinks I speak my mind too much. He does enjoy my analysis of world events, though. He thinks I'm right about everything regarding news. I hope that when he gets older he appreciates what I taught him and the schedule I have him stick to.
My house helper and her grandchildren that live with us are definitely loved by god, so I feel that because I'm involved with them that I'll have a better life. Like that one story in the gospels where Jesus talks to that woman who wants a blessing and he says that his message is for Isreal and not for little dogs and she replys that if she hangs out under the table, maybe something will fall her way...that's exactly how I feel.